Making the hard decision and allowing God to hold me accountable.
Recently, I got tested over and over and over in this same area and I kept passing the tests in what was once my God, my entire reason for doing everything I would do. Marriage. Marriage and men were my idols.
Let me give you some background story.
It started in 2014, when I met someone that I thought we would have spent the rest of our lives together, we were supposed to get married in 2020, looking for houses and the whole 9. I was a baby Christian and so was he. I had no idea what a man after God’s heart was supposed to look like. So from the jump I advise that if you have trouble in this area, you go into your Word and start looking at the men God found favor in. Look for God centered marriages in the Word and or around you whose focus is holiness, they show fruits of the Spirit and God will always come first. Anyway, we stayed together for about 4 years (there was a long breakup in there so i don't count it). At times it felt like we were forcing it and other times it was natural and happily spent. Yet I was stretched through the misery like I never was before, and because of what God was allowing to happen that I could not understand and my ex whose character exposed mine, in conclusion it made me examine myself and the ugly that was constantly lurking within me and what it meant to truly love someone unconditionally. However there came a point where I couldn’t handle “us” anymore and I had to give it to God and that forced me to give EVERYTHING to God, including marriage and the man I wanted to choose for myself. I loved my ex and he was the hardest thing I have ever had to give up. It broke me, but I am glad I listened.
Let’s be honest, sometimes God must allow that breaking point to happen to you to rebuild within you a repentant heart. Sometimes we won’t listen any other way. Jesus wants to be gentle; he warns us and gives us plenty of opportunity but we don’t let up.
"The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God."
In 2018 I had gone to a woman’s Christian conference (shout out to Pinky promise!!) and the Lord made it abundantly clear, “He is not the one” I understood that if I didn’t leave him, I would cause great distress through my disobedience. God had been asking me to leave this man for almost 3 years, and although we would be on and off, I could not find the strength to leave. The night of the conference I cried for hours yet I was thankful that I had a friend with me hugging me and crying it out with me. After that conference you would think I completely cut it off...nope! My disobedient self didn’t. I kept delaying this for some time and we ended up being intimate later in December. Other things happened that made this act of disobedience worse, but I will leave that for another time. When I fall sexually, it’s devastating for me. My mind immediately runs to, I have cheated on God, I have made another stumble and affected in some way or form their relationship with Christ, my calling will struggle because of it, my confidence is down, I can’t hear God correctly and I start heading towards depression since I’m too ashamed to go to God or do anything else relating to God, it only gets worse. But, this time I learned true repentance because I was exhausted from causing consequences. The damage I was causing on my end overall had a high cost which I will address in another article. I learned to never downplay the cost of disobedience since then and I am reminded of this.
“What sorrow awaits the world, because it tempts people to sin. Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting."
In June of 2018 I decided to leave the country. I understood that I needed to break away from this and I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed to leave my surroundings, and this was that cut your hand off if you must situation. But we still lingered in conversation and hence the shenanigans that happened in December but after Feb. as I arrived in South Korea I wanted to heal and just learn to grasp unto God in a way I never had before. I wanted my faith to grow. I needed to understand how grievous consequences can be when we are called by God, yet not obedient and rebellious with one foot in and one foot out whether unintentionally or intentionally done. I came to understand that my disobedience dragged out the heart of a man and almost crushed him because I couldn’t let him go and give him to God. We can’t just stick around to make our flesh happy (just in general being together) Our relationships should be filled with the purpose of eternity and Christ centered.
Recently (end of October) I contacted my ex and I had one more conversation with him and although we haven’t talked much throughout the year I believe he sensed what was coming and I expressed that it’s just not a good idea to keep in touch what so ever. It's more harmful than anything else among other things I expressed to him. We deleted each other from all social media but He was broken, and I have never seen him so crushed. But you know what I saw, the opportunity for God to come in to help him, so it gave me peace and at the same time I saw the enemy using this poor man and his pain to continue this disgusting cycle within me of keeping me in some way hooked. There were some things being said in these texts by my ex that it was evident the enemy wanted him tormented and to bring me back through his sorrow. Satan tried his hardest to keep me in this prison of choosing a man over God and simultaneously trying to keep my ex enslaved in his sorrow while I’m fighting for both of us to be free from Satan’s grip. One of us had to listen to Jesus, one of us had to make the hard decision. God had done everything He had to do on his part, and it was my turn to choose Him because I made the consecrated decision to do so, because my loyalty laid with Jesus and no one else, not because God had to take it away from me because I couldn’t choose Jesus. As all communication ended despite any temptation, of course I was heartbroken with how hurt my ex was, but I couldn’t lose focus, I had to keep going to God in prayer and in my word. Be encouraged by the truth and not be pushed around by my feelings. But I kept thinking about how bad I've hurt him and whether I should go and say some sort of apology, but then Jesus answered me.
A couple days after I had this dream. I was in a house and I immediately knew my ex was there, but I didn’t know how he got in, then I immediately felt fear, I somehow knew that there was something else in the house other than my ex. I ran to the bathroom and there were two doors, one to my right and one to my left. As I quickly lock the right door I then try to lock the left but my ex comes in rushing through the door before I could fully close it with a distorted face, he lifts me up with such a force against the wall and I’m screaming the name of Jesus and that’s how I woke up ( in real life my ex would never even lay a hand on me let alone scream at me so no it wasn’t from a subconscious memory of something) The Lord showed me the meaning regarding this dream. I saw the ventriloquist which worked inequity behind my ex without my ex even realizing it. It wasn’t my ex lifting me in the air but the devil through him trying to get back in after I closed that door in my life. The devil knew he lost his grip on me, he knew I had been trying to close this door for a long time. On so many things he has lost his grip on me I don’t think Satan saw this one coming since it’s been so many years that he had manipulated my life with marriage, men and approval from all the wrong things and in the previous years Jesus taught me better, no excuses then or now, I ALLOWED Satan in, but not any more.
"They would not be guilty if I had not come and spoken to them. But now they have no excuse for their sin."
God and I finally had victory over this. Even last year as other men would pop up while my ex and I were not together, I would shut them down immediately, they would not get past the Holy spirit. The spirit would tell me no and that’s exactly how we kept it. In fact, God told me who he had for me and showed me, but I wasn’t ready to receive it till much later this year. If you love someone, when God says let go, then let go and trust God. He knows what He’s doing.
Truly understanding this aspect of disobedience.“Leave him or you will crush him through your disobedience”
Your disobedience will crush lives. The harvest will be prolonged and you along with others will be fruitless. This isn’t about ourselves and only how we can be happy here on earth but everyone else who needs to know and walk after Jesus so we can go back home. I encourage you to read this entire chapter on faith but here is a piece.
"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called
their God, for he has prepared for them a city."
Our goal on earth is to gather and go home. Our mission is Jesus Christ. That’s our home. When we decide to stay in a relationship or any situation longer than what we should we really grieve Jesus, we cut deeply into ourselves and even deeper into others and the worse part is that you could hinder their walk with the Lord towards this goal, these choices allow Satan to walk in our home and theirs by stumbling them, it is no longer an intrusion, we have allowed it, I cannot reiterate that enough.
Being with my ex showed my lack of loyalty to God yet sharpened me and this year I fought to choose God over and over like I never did before as my life will always depend on choosing God over and over every time. Through it all, God has not left me, and I promise you that God won’t leave you either. It will hurt but Jesus will break the chains, He will heal you, and if you’re a good daughter you will have learned to repent, you will have learned to go pray when you don’t feel like it, you will have learned to go read your word even when your flesh tries you, you will become a fighter and stand on the confidence of his grace, strength and power, you will not be hopeless. You will come to this point where your loyalty for the Lord is on higher levels and you will start seeing the fruit. You will start going in harder for God because HE’S WORTH EVERYTHING YOU CAN AND CANNOT GIVE HIM and your whole entire life will be a sacrifice to Him, because now you understand everything he has and continues to do for you. He has become your first love. Through it all he carries you, through it all he carries others, and though he died for everyone, he died for you and its personal.
"If you listen to these commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the Lord will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom."
This lets me know that because I love God, I’m obedient to his word and what he asks of me in my personal life and because of that He will stand with me and if He’s with me who can come against me? I am the head and not the tail, I am above and not beneath and this I know because I walk with the confidence of the Lord. This confidence I pray for you too.
I encourage you to trust him and love him with all your mind, heart and soul, to lay your life down so you can fully find it in Jesus. If for some reason there’s any shame or guilt you are dealing with from things that you have done but can’t seem to really push forward towards God I encourage you to pray this prayer right now, the very same prayer that helped me and many others. Repent and be renewed and remember that Jesus is faithful to forgive, you are worthy, valuable and loved. The daughter of a King.
Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. 3 For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night. 4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. 5 For I was born a sinner— yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. 6 But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. 9 Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. 11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Amen
I hope this article has helped you.
F.B Jennifer Gobello